The sheer hell of insomnia

It has been a while since I wrote. I am in the grips of yet another insomniac plague. Yes, it is a plague..It keeps you from living to your fullest. You are merely existing, stuck in some twilight zone, waiting for it to vanish the same way it appeared.

I imagine it is the transition that is utterly ensettling to my already system. I don't know who I am here; I don't know how I am relevant to the overall structure, culture, people..I don't know anyone, and not a soul knows me..It is peculiar, this feeling of being almost invisible. You are flesh and blood to yourself, and yet nonexistant to others.

It is also peculiar conducting 90 percent of your life online..be it work, or communication. Perhaps it is this very fact that lends itself to an inordinate number of depression or anxiety cases. As much as I dislike humanity, there are times I long for the companion of someone outside the boundaries of my partner. Poor girl, what she has to put up with day and night!

I need to eradicate the root causes of this troubling period. In order to do that, however, I need to ascertain the root causes. Am I grieving the loss of my old profession? Hard to tell - the long, unbearable commutes coupled with the meager pay made it a living hell. No, I haven't forgotten the times I sat hungry and cold at endless bus stops trying to get from one lecture to the next. And yet, dreams of lecturing to crowds at nights haunt me. I wake up with a pit in my stomach, knowing I might never see the countless faces looking at me in utmost admiration, knowing that I might never adorn myself in preparation for the "stage." Silly me, all those years living only on stage and neglecting the rest of life.

Perhaps, the anxiety is no other than the mere symptom of re-evaluating one's life. Dramatic changes have a way of forcing you view the past in a different light. I can't help but wonder what could have been had I remained in one place, with similar set of circumstances, encircled with familiar faces and bodies. No interruptions. No alineation. No unfamiliar languages, values, customs to contend with.

Who knows, if that were the case, perhaps I would be sitting here lamenting the very monotonous, dull, stagnant nature of my life and asking - how would my life be today had I ventured outside the comfort zone?